Semi-Homemade Horror

Last week’s Halloween Special on the Food Network featured the noted “popular lifestyle professional and author” Sandra LeeMake it Semi-Homemade! – preparing pizza with canned tomato sauce, pre-shredded cheddar cheese, and sour cream topping laced with ‘cheap’ caviar.

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Mr. Henry thinks Sandra should be working for Homeland Security in the terrorist interrogation unit. How did this wasp-waist Wisconsin University blonde get into a position of food authority? She is striking at the Heartland, that’s for sure, and from Sandra’s sinister recipes we shall all need fast, permanent relief.

At first blush Mr. Henry assumed that Sandra was some kind of Saturday Night Live character. But this show, like Rambo, is parody proof. Even Meryl Streep couldn’t portray a more plausible dunderhead than the genuine, all-American Sandra. When she scooped out the innards of a store-bought pumpkin pie, squished them around, mushed them into a big plastic baggie, cut off the bag’s tip, and squirted the abused result into petit four shells, well, Mr. Henry shook his head with deep regret at the astonishing nonsense that passes for sound advice on television.

When she put the caviar on the cheddar cheese and tomato pizza, however, the whole Henry family screamed in horror. It was a suitably Halloween total gross-out. Even now Mr. Henry nearly hurls at the thought of it.

13 Responses to “Semi-Homemade Horror”

  1. Lou November 3, 2006 at 9:53 am #

    And when she made the devil’s food cupcakes from a mix using Coke as the liquid… I had to change the channel.

  2. Carrie Ann November 3, 2006 at 10:43 am #

    Nooooooooo!!!

    I never knew she went to my alma mater! I’m sickened. Maybe she went to one of the smaller outposts or something. Maybe? I’m going to do more digging.

  3. dr. nic November 3, 2006 at 5:52 pm #

    Next thing you know, she’ll be using the pre-made, ready to use, cheesecake filling that I saw a the grocery store. Every time I see it I get so upset, my husband has to drag me away before I burst an aneurysm.

  4. Doc Marv November 4, 2006 at 8:53 am #

    I saw the same episode. Tragic. Her shows usually are, though. Unfortunately they’re often wedged between useful shows like Tyler’s Ultimate and Good Deal with Dave Lieberman. I mean, Paula Deen has done some equally weird stuff, but she’s from the south and completely insane, so there’s a rationale behind it.

  5. karinski November 6, 2006 at 10:11 am #

    Gag me –
    at our house, we had already become so disgusted by her “gourmet” recipes that we blocked her show!! Now the TV screen goes black after barefoot contessa – no need to rush to switch channel -

  6. danielle November 6, 2006 at 6:49 pm #

    I’m an aspiring domestic goddess. Naturally I have broken away from any and all recipes that the women in my very Southern family pass around which contain store-bought goo like cream cheese or Cool Whip…or are made with cake/pie/pudding mix…or Oreos. When I first encountered Semi-Homeade, all I could think is, “Haven’t people been making things like this for years all in the name of saving 30 minutes?” Who needs to be shown how to make a no-bake cheesecake, anyway??? I made cakes and pies from scratch when I was a kid.

    I stopped watching the Halloween show after about 5 minutes of wondering if she enjoyed looking like a deranged showgirl, or if she was contracted to do so. So I didn’t see the scooped out pumpkin pie atrocity…nasty! Re-processing processed food and actually using ‘homemade’ in the title…

  7. La BellaDonna November 17, 2006 at 4:04 pm #

    Aaaaaaiiieeee! If one is not about to boil one’s own pumpkin, the grocery store very kindly provides entire cans of pumpkin. Just pumpkin. Not even “canned pumpkin pie filling.” Just a nicely preserved gourd. One can happily season the vegetable to one’s own taste, and present a reasonably authentic “home-made” pie. One might consider keeping some egg-nog on hand, too, in this holiday season, because it was quite the rescuer when it turned out there was no condensed milk in La BellaDonna’s larder.

    I have never seen this lunatic’s show, and I will make certain that I never, ever do. She deserves to spend eternity frying Coke balls.

  8. Mary Sue November 24, 2006 at 4:51 pm #

    I think I’m a little in love with Mr. Henry.

  9. Shannon November 29, 2006 at 11:36 am #

    The weird thing is that she is unwatchable. It should be funny, but it isn’t. Have you ever noticed that her clothes ALWAYS match the backdrop. The kitchen curtains and accessories are changed for every episode to match her stupid outfit. I can’t stand it.

  10. Miss Jessica December 11, 2006 at 12:27 pm #

    Thank god someone else hates the Preppy Dunderchef with a passion–her food is as fake as her ridiculous smile…

  11. Allen Rosenbaum December 18, 2006 at 2:39 pm #

    I share your cotempt for Sandra what’s her face. I believe she achieved her sudden prominence on the Food Channel on her back or maybe on her hands and knees. I guess that’s a matter of the preference of her celebrity chef beaux. I don’t mean to be coy. I did hear who it was but can’t remember. I think she’s in the employ of those Kool- Whip (Whipp?) people.

  12. Robert March 31, 2008 at 4:39 am #

    Indeed,it is true, it’s always true. Comments ain’t even necessary.

  13. BITTER April 8, 2008 at 9:18 am #

    At first I thought people were being too harsh on her, until I saw the Kwanzaa cake episode…what was she thinking?

    And her recent drive-in show with those hideous walnut burgers and mini-corn dogs….

    Sandra Lee is not a cook, she just hurts good food.