Hunger Games

HERBS DON'T COUNT!!!

HERBS DON'T COUNT!!!

Long have I suspected the universe to be a malevolent, capricious place, and now in my possession are three digits which unequivocally prove this to be the case. Forgive the emo outburst in Victorian-tinted prose, but I cannot help myself, for I have now been on the Enbridge Hunger Strike for 33.5 hours and I have, according to the bathroom scale…

gained three pounds.

I mean, I’ve been drinking plenty of water, but bitch, please. None of those people at Gitmo who got waterboarded gained any weight.Swearing off the San Pel and switching to low-salt tap water, on general anti-water-retention principles. A friend on facebook suggested I put lemon in the water if I’m worried about water retention, and since I’m out of lemons but have grapefruits and Shahee is always going on about the healing and cleansing properties of grapefruit, I will slice some of that up and put it in my tap water.

Things had been going well. I’d fought through the initial hunger pangs, distracting myself with work and many, many glasses of San Pellegrino water, and worked right through for 20 hours so by the time I got to bed there was no question about being too hungry to sleep. All was well once I’d woken up, and the afternoon and early evening went just fine, with actually fewer hunger pangs than yesterday and an amazing realization that if you don’t eat, your teeth stay shiny and clean even while you sleep, even if you brush your teeth before bedtime. That was an interesting piece of trivia: starvation=no morning breath.

As for bitchiness, well, that is definitely one department in which I demonstrated my native talent, this time unrestrained by any sugar comas or protein hangovers. I posted a ban-worthy comment at Gawker and a possible-suspension-worthy one at WordPress.com. If I weren’t me, I’d think I was obnoxious; well, I am obnoxious but I am also me and both Gawker and WordPress seem to find I’m worth keeping around for at least a little while longer.

From the department of TMI comes news that a hunger strike is much easier once you’ve cleared out the bowels. For whatever reason, having food in your system, even old food, makes you hungrier. That tickbox checked, things are much easier to bear in the hunger pang department. Right up until…

9pm. The neighbors downstairs cook up some fried chicken.

Fried. Chicken. FRIED CHICKEN. FRIED CHICKEN!!!

As my friend Rich said on Facebook, “Fried chicken recipes would have made the Mahatma fall off his hunger strike.” I split the difference between cheating and not with a vegan granola bar, which I am reliably informed counts as a Tic Tac if you’re a regular meat eater, as I am. So, thanks, veganism, now I probably lost weight because of all the gas in my colon causes a slight hover/Hindenberg effect when I step on the scale.

Then I watched three hours of Food Network. Sorry, Guy, I love you, but when you showed us the double Harvard burger with the fried onions, bacon, cheese, and fried peppers with barbeque sauce, I had to shut it off. Somehow Iron Chef is easier to bear because who in hell eats that stuff anyway? It looks like show-business food, because it is show-business food, and if you doubt me, think back to the last time your mouth watered at television competition food. See?

It is beginning to look like I can tough it out till the end, which is 4pm today. I still have 8 hours of sleeping to do, after all, and I’m not one of those Adderall addicts who sleep eats. Sure, I have a business meeting in a pub at 2pm tomorrow, but hey! Gin is a clear liquid, right? RIGHT?

 

3 Responses to “Hunger Games”

  1. raincoaster April 3, 2012 at 6:06 am #

    I weighed myself again without the sweatshirt that comes down to my knees and found I’d actually lost a pound and a half.

  2. hutchie4real April 3, 2012 at 12:39 pm #

    Too much! I’m super-skinny and somehow I haven’t been truly hungry until now (2:37). (that shoots your lack of BM theory to crap) Last night I had to do the dishes (after making supper – my usually chef-y husband just came home from a root canal). So, at 11pm I eyeballed the cold, overcooked broccoli and put it in my mouth, but thought of those kids in Bella Bella and spit it out again. Somehow I’d hoped this experience might make me a radical. I’ve always admired those who go on marches and devote their lives to causes. I dunno. I just think this pipeline is the epitomy of absurdity & madness.

  3. raincoaster April 3, 2012 at 2:45 pm #

    Well, when did you last poo?

    Congrats on being stronger than me. I’m toughing it out today with rooibos tea. So far so good.