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February 14, 2010

Five stages of Valentine’s Day

Filed under: Dessert,Holidays — Mr. Henry @ 1:35 pm

Beware the Ides of February, the  Roman feast of Lupercalia subsumed by Christian doctrine into the festival of St. Valentine.


On this day birds choose their mates, Cupid’s arrows strike the unsuspecting, and men offer gifts to demonstrate that attested bonds of love hold fast.

When calendar-driven holidays loom ahead, especially those holidays with obligatory gift-giving requirements, Mr. Henry faces the catastrophe in five stages:

Denial – What, here again already? Christmas cards haven’t been mailed yet. Let’s forget it.

Anger – Why must hackneyed traditions dominate our existence? Who came up with these poppycock red hearts and flowers motif?

Bargaining – Isn’t a gift given out of pure affection more valuable than a gift designed by a greeting card company? What about those pretty desert plates we bought last year? Don’t those still count?

Depression – No matter what the gift, it will fail to please the inamorata. Perhaps it’s best to buy from Bloomingdale’s. At least there you can take it back for an exchange. But Bloomingdale’s is such a shlep from the West Side, and such a crush of unwashed humanity, and doesn’t have a single thing she really needs or wants.

Acceptance – OK. Valentine’s Day is an easy one, after all. One can buy flowers, chocolates, or a nice veal chop. (No, scratch the chop. Make that underpants. Better yet, a chiffon cheesecake! It’s delicate, it’s delicious, and its name is a little risqué.)



  1. a simple hand-written note modestly stating; “you are a goddess and I am the luckiest man in the world to be married to you” would work for me

    Comment by casey — February 14, 2010 @ 8:10 pm

  2. All I have to say is this:

    Comment by raincoaster — February 15, 2010 @ 4:50 am

  3. I’m with Casey.
    But Mr. Henry does have a point I’m in complete agreement with — that Valentine’s Day is the product of marketing.
    While it’s (somewhat) enlightening to have the male perspective revealed, VDay can be tough on women too…..all those expectations of WEARING that underwear…..and where on earth do you put the chocolate?

    Comment by pixie — February 15, 2010 @ 7:09 am

  4. In revealing the male perspective Mr. Henry is only too pleased to provide enlightenment (somewhat).

    The underwear is not so much for putting on as it is for taking off, if you will. As such, it’s not really a gift for you, Pixie. Regarding where to put the chocolate, Mr. Henry suggests topical application in the bedroom. (Improvise the recipe.)

    Comment by Mr. Henry — February 15, 2010 @ 8:44 am

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