Men, if you think hair loss, knee pain, backache, a pot belly and manboobs will be the most fearful consequences of old age, add one more specter to the list: a fatty liver.
Mr. Henry has one. (The wags might say Mr. Henry is one.) The discovery of this ticklish condition, however, has led to a new diet breakthrough.
Mr. Henry’s surefire weight loss method. Lose ten pounds in ten weeks!
How? You ask how?
First, develop an undiagnosable digestive disorder preventing you from eating more than appetizer portions at one sitting. Coffee, cheese, or anything fatty gives you nausea and stomach cramp, so they’re off the menu until further notice. Because your liver has grown fatty, your gastroenterologist will advise you to limit alcohol consumption to one drink per day. (You can sneak another, but don’t tell Dr. Romeu.)
Second, when the child goes off to camp for three weeks, prepare nothing at home more ambitious than salad with something grilled tossed on top (and maybe a little green tea). If you go out to eat, order only the appetizer. (Refusing to be buffaloed by wait staff, Mrs. Henry has been doing this years.)
Third, make sure your air conditioner breaks on Saturday evening. New York City repairmen don’t retrieve messages until Monday, no matter how plaintive, and don’t begin to act until Tuesday or Wednesday. Furthermore, make the AC chiller unit shatter its drive shaft. (Replacement shafts are never in stock.) If you do this during the worst heat wave of the summer, you’re bound to lose nearly a pound per day. Mr. Henry offers his personal guarantee. When it’s this hot, the most anyone can hope to consume is popcorn and white wine.
Fourth, eat a diet inspired by French cures for la crise de foie, even though such a term is not accepted by medical science, even in France. Eat artichokes, salad, bitter greens, lemon, papaya, mint and ginger. (Ginger helps the stomach empty its contents into the duodenum. You had to ask.) Then eat more artichokes.
Here is a southeast Asian style salad dressing that transforms romaine lettuce, carrots, Thai basil, tomato and grilled chicken into princely fare:
1 teaspoon grated ginger
1 teaspoon peanut butter (or sunflower butter)
juice of half a lime
1 tablespoon rice wine vinegar
three dashes of Tabasco
2 tablespoons vegetable oil (olive oil is not the best, but it’s OK)
salt
Mr. Henry, have you considered bento at lunch? Just Bento is a wonderful food blog:
http://justbento.com/
Comment by Phyllis — August 18, 2009 @ 8:34 pm
Ah, Mr. Henry, I feel your gastronomic pain (in Italy with high blood sugar means a greatly limited intake of pasta, wine & gelato).
I may try your curative salad this evening.
Hope you feel better
Comment by klee — August 19, 2009 @ 7:04 am
Thanks for the concern, Klee, but Mr. Henry feels fitter than ever. He simply can no longer overeat as he did in his ill-spent youth.
Ah, yesterday!
Comment by Mr. Henry — August 19, 2009 @ 7:46 am
Enforced clean living, that’s what this aging baloney is.
Comment by slownews — August 19, 2009 @ 8:33 am