THE SOUTHERN CONGRESSMAN
2 oz Jack Daniel’s Tennessee whiskey
1 tsp lime juice
5 oz sour mix
Cheers! To the Unemployment Office!
Let’s face it, if you’re a furloughed federal employee, what else do you have to do?
The internet is way ahead of you, and has stepped into the void formerly filled by your work hours, stuffing it full of hours of bilious and bibulous joy: DrunkDialCongress.org exists, and it is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
You type in your phone number, you hit Call, and a faceless, nameless robot that is probably take a job away from a good American quietly and efficiently connects you to the public phone line for a representative for your district.
Not sure what to say? Don’t worry, this is politics: there are talking points (with proper citations, no less)! “Why don’t you make yourself useful and mow the lawn” is my particular favorite.
Below the talking points, we have the key ingredient: DRINK RECIPES! What type of tipple is most appropriate for calling up your elected representatives to scream at them for not doing their jobs? Well, Rosemary’s for remembrance, so how about some B&B? But the idea of getting plastered on an imported French liqueur is not sufficiently patriotic. And you’d have to drink a lot of Bud Light to get drunk enough to really do this. The listed cocktails are pretty good bets: they’re all sweet enough, and mixed with enough cogeners that you will wake up with a life-threatening burden of self-hatred the next morning, which should remind you of your public servants (that is, if they had the ability to regret their bad decisions, which they don’t).
The Bad Representative might go down smoothly (well, interns would have the whole story on that) but the Southern Congressman is probably going to be the crowd-pleaser. At least in his first term…
THE FANCY STATESMAN
2 oz blended whiskey
1 cherry
juice of 1/2 lemons
1 tsp powdered sugar
1 egg white
1 slice lemon
THE BLOODY BASTARD
1 part sour mix
1 part vodka
1 tbsp grenadine syrup
THE BAD REPRESENTATIVE
1 oz Scotch whisky
1 oz cherry brandy
1/2 oz sweet vermouth
1 oz lemon juice
1 slice lemon
The Sleepy Senator
1 oz absinthe liqueur
1 oz tonic water
1 oz sugar syrup
2 tsp lime juice or sour
The Republican
Equal parts 151 and diet Coke
Makes you stupid as a rock and incapable of knowing it. But it’s low calorie, popular with conservatives, and makes all of your dumb mistakes go away.
Comment by Jenn — October 15, 2013 @ 9:29 pm