Well, we had a half an hour of really amusing video (funny that, a vodka tasting and giddy video) but the tech gods decreed it was too powerful for this world and thus, erased it from our videorecorder (it had NOTHING to do with our own intake of vodka, we swear).

Undaunted, we are prepared to report on the blind taste test between the Polish potato vodka Luksusowa, and the Canadian vodkas Iceberg and the significantly more expensive Crystal Skull, repped by Canadian Celebrity (that’s not a misnomer!) Dan Akroyd.

The clear winner: Luksusowa. And not just because I had to pry it out of my unnamed friend’s hands at the end of the evening.

The rumour has always been that Iceberg vodka, which is inexpensive, is the same exact elixir as Crystal Skull vodka, which is the opposite.

This, my friends, is not the case.

What is the case, according to a taste test at Eat Drink Tweet, a wine and food social media conference?

Iceberg is better than Crystal Skull. So save yourself about $40 a bottle and get the cheap stuff.

The crowd favorite, however (and here I wish the video had come through, for it is PRICELESS) is Luksusowa. After the first round of tasting, in fact, people changed their seats to be closer to this Polish potato elixir, although it must be said, only people of Eastern European extraction.

iceberg vodka

Luksusowa is softer in the mouthfeel than any grain-based vodka, and the rep (who, full disclosure, sent me the bottle for tasting; I paid for the others) explained that potato vodkas are more expensive to produce than grain vodkas, but that the more complex carbohydrates, otherwise known as starches, are what account for the smoothness and roundness. You could mix this, and it would make any drink better. But for me, if I were to do shots of vodka in the traditional manner, this would be my choice. Yes, it’s strong, but my god, it’s silky too.

Iceberg, as I have mentioned in the past, is my favorite mixer vodka. It’s an excellent meeting of quality and price. In the blind tasting, every tester (and we are talking about people in the business of tasting, wine producers and retailers) guessed that this was the more expensive vodka. The reason was, its smoothness and its flavourlessness.

Crystal Skull vodka, however, is not without its adherents. Retailer Rod Phillips explained that it’s a top seller around Halloween, when the company comes out with an extra-large decanter. Frat boys and their decorators apparently favour the 1.5 liter size, something Phillips described as “an expensive candle holder.” Still, awesome.

The tasting notes on Crystal Skull are somewhat less complimentary. Uniformly, the testers described it as either medicinal or antiseptic. This reflects, Phillips says, the split in vodka schools between the flavoured and the “stripped of flavour” super-filtered varieties.

The victor of the taste test was Luksukowa, with Iceberg pushing second, and the most expensive entry coming in a distant third, with not one vote. Oddly the next day there were no leftovers of the first two for sober comparison and contrasting.

Luksukowa

Make Tea Not Love

T r srs bns.

Just ask Doc Brown, British rapper after our own heart. Rage is fundamental to rap, and this man connects to it in a powerful way, letting it out in a stream of impassioned poetry dedicated to that greatest of beverages: TEA, motherfucker!

Which reminds us of that great classic, the UK Narnia Rap with its great chorus.

By the way, Doc Brown’s rant about the milk in first deserves some explication. “Milk in first” is a coded class signifier, meaning downmarket, low-class, tacky. Where does this come from? Why, I’m glad you asked. It comes from the fact that in the old days, poor people couldn’t afford the freshest milk, and if you put milk-that-is-going-but-not-quite-sour-yet into a cup of hot liquid, what you get is cottage cheese floaties. If you put the same milk in an empty cup and add hot water, stirring the whole time, the milk does not curdle. Handy to know when you have a) some iffy milk and b) no witnesses.

And now, to conclude our lesson on the Greatest of Beverages for this afternoon, I present to you a little ditty that was presented to me on Twitter, in response to a cri de coer from moi upon sipping my first good cup of tea in AGES. Thanks, Blenz, for some really good English Breakfast and thanks to the author, whose name has been lost in the mists of time. If it’s you, @ me or comment, so I can give credit where credit is due.

English Breakfast, you complete me.

February 28, 2012 1:17 am via webReplyRetweetFavorite

@raincoaster

raincoaster

John Hamm

Enjoy your Sunday food porn, this time with added celebrity goodness. Remember, always use a condiment!

In related news, to support the Heiltsiuk people and schoolchildren of Bella Bella in their protest of the Enbridge pipeline project, I’m going on a hunger strike for 48 hours, starting at 4pm today. Wish me luck; when I did the green smoothie cleanse, I lasted 36 hours, and that was drinking my own body weight in pureed spinach every day.

The students and staff of Bella Bella Community School stand together in opposition to the proposed Enbridge Pipeline that would bring supertankers filled with oil along the coast of the Great Bear Rainforest, jeopardizing the environment upon which we rely for sustenance, both physical and spiritual. We will be engaged in a 48-hour hunger strike from April 1st at 4 pm to April 3rd at 4 pm. This coincides with the Enbridge hearings in our community. We hope to open a dialogue with other concerned students and communicate through video conferencing during our hunger strike. We invite your school or community to join us in our strike and help make a statement that can’t be ignored.

You do not have to fast for the full 48 hours! If you have health concerns or are unable, for whatever reason, to fast with us, join us anyway. Help volunteer on the evening of the 1st or 2nd, fast for only a day, or half a day, or simply send out the invitation to as many people as you can think of. Every little bit counts. Please sign up and pass it on!

Enbridge Protest

carrots are the 99 %

For those of you who, like me, find the entire Occupy Movement to be really well-intentioned, justified, and (indeed) not a moment too soon, but also somewhat dry (The General Assembly is the Filboid Studge of participatory democracy) we have some good news! Occupy Wall Street’s Liberty Plaza General Assembly has taken a lesson from the mainstream media and spiced up its hard news Committee Reports section (is that Spokes? Or Tranches? Who can keepWall Street terminology straight anyway?) with some food-and-spirituality-related entertainment.

Behold:

Christine: let’s start. The name of your WG. Winter w Safer Spaces & spirit vegetable is edamame. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:56 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Roll call continued! Next, Pablo from OWS en Español! Their spirit vegetable is plantains. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:57 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Julian w Outreach, spirit vegetable is cauliflower. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:57 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

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LibertySq GA

Evelyn, w/ Human Rights working group – hasn’t decided on her spirit vegetable yet! #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:57 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Sean w Fire Safety, he’s sad b/c he has no spirit vegetable, someone recommends chili pepper. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:57 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Info WG: Spirit vegetable is okra. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:57 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Devin is spoking for Tech Ops working group tonight, and their spirit veggie is the artichoke! #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Ravi, w/ Organization – her spirit vegetable is carrots. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Ben from Direct Action, their spirit vegetable is squash b/c they are going to squash capitalism #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Ben, from Direct Action – their spirit veggie is squash b/c they’re gonna squash capitalism. (lolz!) #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Chris from SIS is broccoli rabe #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Galen from Finance and their spirit vegetable is pork. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Jen from Legal. Then, Galen from Finance, whose spirit vegetable is PORK. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Frank from Alternative Currencies’ spirit veggie is asparagus. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:59 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

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LibertySq GA

Sebastian from OccupyDiginity and their spirit vegetable is green chili. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:59 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Next spoke is Dwayne from PR; their spirit vegetable is green beans! #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:59 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Brian from OccupyNewark and their spirit vegetable is eggplant. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:59 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Next, Bryan, from @OccupyNewark, whose spirit vegetable is carrot. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:59 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Nan’s from Strong Women’s group tonight, and her spirit vegetable is “kicking your ass”. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:00 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Carrie from Minutes; their spirit vegetable is wild onion, b/c while the top is lovely, it’s acid on the bottom! #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:00 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Nicholas from Occupy the Youth (he’s awesome), their spirit vegetable is, fuck it, a carrot. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:01 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Next, Adam from Design. Their spirit vegetable is cigarettes! #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:01 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Justin from Medics their spirit vegetable is cayenne pepper. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:01 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Next, Dylan from Sanitation – their spirit vegetable is…. water chestnuts? #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:01 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Jen from OccupyVacations??? spirit vegetable is potato

December 2, 2011 7:01 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

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LibertySq GA

Next, Bryan from the Occupiers – I couldn’t understand their spirit veggie. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:02 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Jason from Housing, spirit vegetable is collard greens. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:02 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Next, Desiree from Stop Stop and Frisk working group – their spirit vegetable is peanut M&Ms. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:02 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Jeff from Town Planning, spirit vegetable is whatever Kitchen is making #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:02 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Daniel is spoke for Facilitation tonight; they’ve “reached full consensus that our spirit vegetable is ghost cale.” #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:02 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Zach from Security/De-Escalation, spirit vegetable is tomatoes. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:02 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Corbin, from Sustainability – their spirit vegetable is I think mixed greens #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:03 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

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LibertySq GA

Library! Their spirit vegetable is “I think weed because it rhymes w/ read.” #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:03 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Jen from Anti-Racism Allies & spirit vegetable is… something I could’t hear b/c Nan is talking. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:03 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Frank, from Occupy the Cypher – their spirit vegetable is the pomegranate b/c it symbolizes music. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:03 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Lulu from Media, spirit vegetable is daikon radish #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:04 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

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LibertySq GA

Trish is spoke for Organize Labor tonight and she says “all of the above vegetables.” #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:04 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Edwin from OWS En Espanol (I think), and his spirit vegetable is Let’s Take Back Our Government #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:04 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Xi Shi Orchid

Yes, it was back to the salt mines for your poor, martyred blogger here, thanks to an invitation to the opening of Xi Shi, the posh new bar in the Shangri-La hotel in glamorous downtown Vangroover. It helps when you know the head barman. The woman in charge of the bar at Xi Shi is Heather Yau, who competed admirably in last year’s Tales of the Cocktail both in Vancouver and in New Orleans. Accompanying me was the lovely and talented Cathy Browne, who took all these gorgeous pictures; impressive enough, but moreso when you realize she’s legally blind.

It’s a lovely space once you’re inside, but getting inside consists of going around to the “back” of the building which is really the “front” and standing around the lobby, looking confused, until a staff member asks if you’re here for the Xi Shi party, and gently points the way. I’d tell you how to find it yourself, but I think they’re trying to keep it a secret, and besides, the staff need to keep busy!

Xi Shi Bar

It’s a long, light, L space with ceilings that go up to HERE and sightlines that go out to THERE, which is great for people-watching if you’re not as nearsighted as I am. This isn’t the place for a discreet affair, as the “around the corner, tucked away” tables are basically just off Robson Street, ie you might as well be parked outside of TMZ. This is the place raincoaster, who now refers to herself in the third person because she’s imaginary-dating much higher-grade people lately, will be taking her next boytoy for a quiet drink.

Right after she alerts the paparazzi and gets her hair did.

The general theme is Contemporary Asian, meaning airy and Zen, with referential scatterings of Chinoiserie, as in the cheongsams worn by the waitresses. It must be said, and that by me, that it’s good to see a place that doesn’t go for Generic Vancouver Glossy: black on black on black with black leather chairs and chrome and everything shiny and hard. The cascade of glass over the bar changes colours thanks to clever lighting, although there’s a definite preference for pink: even the house cocktail is pink, at which point I am tempted to insert a reference to intimate anatomy but yea verily, am too way classy.

Ahem. Anyway…as I was saying, a lounge shouldn’t look like a dance club, and it shouldn’t look like an operating room. I like a place that looks good by day as well as by night. See for yourselves:

It's hard to pull off jazz in the daytime, but this worked

Did I say Chinoiserie? Yes, yes I did, even though Spellchecker tried to replace it with “Chitterlings,” but I was having none of that! Chinoiserie I said and Chinoiserie I meant, speaking of which, behold the Lady Grey Cocktail:

Lady Grey sure is pretty

The Lady Grey cocktail is a beautiful thing, a mellowed orange with brassy glints. The pot, by the way, is full of hot water so you can adjust it to the strength you prefer; it and the cup and saucer are a custom-made iteration of the classic Blue Willow pattern which tells the story of a pair of runaway lovers. It’s made with Earl Grey tea-infused Tanqueray gin with an extra measure of Bergamot, and seemed to me a little too sharply citrus. And oh! if you only knew what it costs my very soul to criticize a free drink! Ah, the trouble with using fresh ingredients is, the difference between one lemon and another can be substantial!

Jay Jones has come through with the recipe for us so you can judge for yourself. And wouldn’t a bottle of Earl Grey Tanqueray liven up a nice bridge party? I don’t know about you, but the presence of card snobs of any variety usually drives me to drink, or at least calls me a cab to. And somehow bourbon goes with poker the way gin goes with bridge.

LADY GREY

1.5 oz earl grey tea-infused tanqueray gin

.4 oz fresh lemon juice

.6 oz sugar syrup

small pot of hot water

-all ingredients (except hot water) combined in shangri-la blue willow china tea cup & saucer

-served with matching small shangri-la blue willow china pot of hot water

-pour hot water to fill tea cup – top up as desired

*served with lemon zest

Earl Grey Tea-Infused Gin

1. empty a 1.14 liter bottle of Tanqueray London Dry Gin (room temperature) into a clean, dry, sealable container

2. place 4 heaping tablespoons of loose leaf Earl Grey tea in the Gin (use bags alternatively – much neater)

3. seal container and leave to steep for minimum 1 hour at room temperature – longer if desired (2 hours suggested)

4. after steeping, shake sealed container throughly

5. strain tea leaves/remove tea bags from Gin – the Gin’s colour should be deep brown

5. seal and refrigerate to preserve freshness (max 1 week shelf life when refrigerated)

Iron Lotus poured by Heather Yau

The signature cocktail here is the Iron Lotus, concocted by cocktail queen Heather Yau; only last year she was a humble apprentice at hipster central, the Waldorf, and look at her now! Xi Shi is a PBR-free zone!

The Iron Lotus is a hard drink to turn out in bulk, each being made from the same number of fresh raspberries. The sweetness varies wildly depending on the particular individual raspberries, but whether more tart or more sweet, this is as lovely to drink as to look at.

Raspberries in the Iron Lotus

The focus at Xi Shi is on lighter, less alcoholic, and more feminine drinks overall; this is not a place where you will find many people testing flights of bourbon or single malt. There’s no doubt that Xi Shi, named after a goddess, was put together with the fact that women choose the date spot firmly in mind. The flattering, rose-coloured lighting makes everyone look ten years younger (I’m sure they only failed to card me out of deference), and the lower alcohol content in the drinks ensures that you don’t slip from Charming Anita Loos to Scary Dorothy Parker.

And the food ensures you don’t slip from Perky Britney to Sad Britney.

Mary had a little lamb. And then she had another cocktail.

Squeeee! This adorable little roast of lamb was less than two inches long, and came with crunchy yogurt. Yes, crunchy yogurt, and not because it was left in the back of the fridge for six months and then scraped off the lid of the container like your revolting roommate used to do; because the kitchen is a Shangri-La kitchen, and they do things right and just a little weird.

Xi Shi has crabs. But she's a goddess, so who's going to tell her, eh? Not me, that's for damn sure.

Behold the mammoth crabcake! Did I already say “behold?” I did, didn’t I? Oh well, you wouldn’t believe how many people I’m beholden in this town, although their bank managers would.

Salmon, Ella?

The salmon was so good the waiter wouldn’t let me refuse, although I was getting pretty full. Believe me, I will never again doubt a Xi Shi waiter.

What to do when you’ve had as much food as you can hold? That’s right: back to cocktails!

Naked Botanical Martini. It sets a certain tone. I intend to order it when I bring Julian!

Just look at the legs on that thing! My pal Jay Jones knows I’m a gin snob, so he made me a Martini using The Botanist gin from Scotland, one I hadn’t tried before. Frankly, this may be Too! Much! Gin! even for me: the title role botanicals are dense and overwhelming if you’re unprepared. Because it’s produced by Bruichladdich, a famous and famously insane Islay Whisky distillery, it is viscous and powerful, and my recommendation is to have one, but have it James Bond style: very large, very cold, and very well-made. And have one only. This gin is Serious Business. Here’s a list of the various botanicals:

Apple Mint Birch leaves, Bog Myrtle leaves, Chamomile (sweet), Creeping Thistle flowers, Elder flowers, Gorse flowers, Heather flowers, Hawthorn flowers, Juniper (prostrate) berries, Lady’s Bedstraw flowers, Lemon Balm, Meadow Sweet, Peppermint leaves, Mugwort leaves, Red Clover flowers, Sweet Cicely leaves, Tansy, Thyme leaves, Water Mint leaves, White Clover, Wood Sage leaves, Angelica root, Cassia bark, Cinnamon bark, Coriander seed, Juniper berries, Lemon peel, Liquorice root, Orange peel and Orris root.

Say THAT three times fast! The nose on this is citrus and juniper dominated, the taste complex, puzzling…you just can’t figure out the various elements and it can’t be said they blend into one single whole. It’s like listening to a Beethoven symphony and then trying to pick out each of the instruments. And trust me, this ain’t Brahms: it’s DEFINITELY Beethoven. The aftertaste is long and powerful, and in it you begin to discern some of the different components. I like it, but it’s definitely Special Occasion Gin, not It’s Five O’Clock Gin.

Hemingway Daiquiri so much more macho than the Fitzgerald Daiquiri

Ah, the Neo-Classical Hemingway Daiquiri! One of the greatest summer drinks, featuring grapefruit where you’d expect lime, and a sour cherry where you’d expect … nothing at all. Not for Papa your silly blender drinks! Although this has a noticeable alcohol content, it fits right into the Xi Shi aesthetic of light-tasting, citrusy cocktails.

Cue the Darth Vader music…

Why ahoy there, sailor! The Nautical Disaster, a Jay Jones original

The Nautical Disaster is not a drink to be trifled with. It shouldn’t even be left alone with your wallet. This dark and dangerous newcomer is a rum-based take on the classic Sazerac, and it’s hearty, thick, spicy, complex, and sweet, just like me. It’s also definitely your last cocktail of the night. If he has one of these and still hasn’t sealed the deal, well my dear, just get up and go home.

Alone.

Whipped Cream Vodka

Via Wayne Racine:

Is there a NFTW tag? If so this deserves it. Imitation whipped cream flavoured vodka. No thank-you!http://instagr.am/p/PbuH8/

I guess this is useful for when you’re all out of Malibu and you have exactly a half-hour to get drunk and pass out before your parents get home.

Instead, I get 20 or 30 minutes of NPR and CNN and Whoever talking about the damn rain and wind and how you should have heeded Obama and taken the subway to safety (although the subway was shut down for safety, but hey, whaddayougonnado?).

However, I finally got something that speaks to me, personally, about the dangers of hurricanes.  And that is:

THE WAFFLE HOUSE INDEX
This is the most clear and concise measure of how dangerous conditions are that I have ever seen.  Threat Level Chartreuse?  Code Red?  Defcon 3?  Who the hell knows what any of those mean?  But

“Waffle House Green means the restaurant is serving a full menu, a signal that damage in an area is limited and the lights are on. Yellow means a limited menu, indicating power from a generator, at best, and low food supplies. Red means the restaurant is closed, a sign of severe damage in the area or unsafe conditions.”

Those are clear measures of danger.  I mean, I have been to Waffle Houses in the most severe of personal conditions.  But I have always held the faith that the Waffle House would be there when I needed it.  (And a vomit cleaning crew who, sadly, I was too messed up to leave a tip for).  So, if there is “Waffle House Code Red” that is a clear indication that I need to take things seriously and immediately finish that storm cellar that I kept meaning to build.

So, the next time there are warnings of impending doom, ask for-nay demand-that they refer to the “Waffle House Scale” so you have a reality based idea of how much crap you are in for.

Holy Crap! CODE EXTREME AUNT JEMIMAH!

There had better be cream cheese in those bagels

Does this, with some fizzy lemonade, not look like the perfect summer Sunday to you?

Thirty days in the hoosegow and a fine into the hundreds of thousands. That’s what a high court in Taiwan decided was fitting punishment for a blogger who complained online about her experience in a Taichung noodle house.

The blogger, Liu, visited the noodle house about three years ago and said the food was too salty, she saw cockroaches, and the owner let customers park their cars in such a way as to cause traffic jams just outside his restaurant.

Well, last month the high court decided that Liu needed to pay for these statements to the tune of NT$200,ooo plus the jail time in order to recompense the noodle house owner for lost revenue.

The good news for the blogger? It could have been worse. While health inspectors say the noodle house is not now as unsanitary as Liu described it to be back in 2008, the court found that Liu’s comment about cockroaches was merely a statement of fact and therefore not actionable.

On the other hand, her complaint about the saltiness of the food was found to be inappropriate because she ate only one dish.

I have to say, I think this one goes a little beyond the philosophy of letting the punishment fit the crime.

Perhaps the judges should have been required to eat the food before deciding whether Liu’s description was justified or not.

Hey, everybody!

Our beloved raincoaster is taking a little vacation for a few more days. In the meantime, so as not to leave her loving minions hanging, I’ll be filling in. So fire up your stoves, pour yourselves a drink that makes you happy, and get ready for some good home cooking.

Speaking of substitutions, we’ve all made some while cooking. You know how it is. You get a yen for a particular food, get started cooking, and discover you’re out of an important ingredient for the dish.

I was about twelve when my mother taught me to make risotto. A couple weeks later, she had a meeting that ran over dinnertime and left me in charge of feeding the family. She told me to make risotto. No problemo, I assured her! My first attempt had been quite successful.

The one problem was that when it came time to get cooking, I ran into a slight hitch: I couldn’t find the rice for love nor money. To this day I have no clue where Mom had hidden the white and starchy, but it was not appearing to my wondering eyes.

I began to resemble this:

far more than I would have liked.

At last, a solution rose out of the darkness! I found what I thought was brown rice. I felt certain that – while it would certainly be different than white rice – brown rice would work. In fact, I liked brown rice better than white in general (the nuttiness appeals strongly to me), so I thought I might even enjoy the dish more.

I tossed those grains into the skillet and risottoed for all I was worth. Dinner time arrived, and I had piping hot risotto ready to go along with the rest of the meal. I also had two older brothers, a father, and a neighbor kid sitting down to eat with us. The neighbor kid was a noted picky eater, to boot.

We all tasted the risotto. Everybody went nuts for it. The picky neighbor kid begged for seconds. Yes, my little twelve-year-old buttons nearly burst with pride.

When Mom got home, I told her what I’d done but she looked puzzled. Turns out we didn’t have any brown rice in the kitchen just then. What I’d used was barley.

So folks, if you ever find yourself longing for risotto but out of rice, use the barley. It’s beyond fabulous.

And remember when you see restaurant menus featuring the chef’s special creation of risotto made with something other than rice as an oh-so-clever-and-utterly-original thing? I was doing it in 1975.

So what about all of you? Anybody out there have a tale of a fabulous (or painfully yet hilariously disastrous) kitchen substitution? Share with the class!