Make Tea Not Love

T r srs bns.

Just ask Doc Brown, British rapper after our own heart. Rage is fundamental to rap, and this man connects to it in a powerful way, letting it out in a stream of impassioned poetry dedicated to that greatest of beverages: TEA, motherfucker!

Which reminds us of that great classic, the UK Narnia Rap with its great chorus.

By the way, Doc Brown’s rant about the milk in first deserves some explication. “Milk in first” is a coded class signifier, meaning downmarket, low-class, tacky. Where does this come from? Why, I’m glad you asked. It comes from the fact that in the old days, poor people couldn’t afford the freshest milk, and if you put milk-that-is-going-but-not-quite-sour-yet into a cup of hot liquid, what you get is cottage cheese floaties. If you put the same milk in an empty cup and add hot water, stirring the whole time, the milk does not curdle. Handy to know when you have a) some iffy milk and b) no witnesses.

And now, to conclude our lesson on the Greatest of Beverages for this afternoon, I present to you a little ditty that was presented to me on Twitter, in response to a cri de coer from moi upon sipping my first good cup of tea in AGES. Thanks, Blenz, for some really good English Breakfast and thanks to the author, whose name has been lost in the mists of time. If it’s you, @ me or comment, so I can give credit where credit is due.

English Breakfast, you complete me.

February 28, 2012 1:17 am via webReplyRetweetFavorite

@raincoaster

raincoaster

And last month he was coffee; this month he's tea. So hard to keep track!

Quote of the day, via Dane Morgan:

Once there was a little teapot, short and stout. But then some of the other utensils in the kitchen started making fun of it on the internet and it went on a diet. Now no one gets to drink tea any more. the end.

Cheers!

What can I say? It’s been one of those weeks.

My god, simply EVERYONE got an invitation. If it hadn’t been laundry day, I’m sure I would have made it as well.

Paula Deen and Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie at the royal wedding

Oh look, she brought a plus one. And you know, that’s what that hat needed: more butter!

By the way, my favorite ridiculous tea accessory (and there are a LOT from which to choose, including my mechanized sugar picker, which reminds me of the claw in that Pick A Toy machine at the Legion) is this delightfully pointless set of Royal Family Hot Tubber Teabags. Pun away!

Can you ever get enough posts about the world’s greatest vegetable-based beverage? No, no you cannot; not when they come with steampunk rap videos!

I regretfully report that the Great Earl Grey/Chocolate experiment was not a success. Perhaps I should have put more gin in there? Nah, Gin doesn’t go with chocolate either.

For two weeks the Henry family has been traipsing across Japan, land of salty snacks and tepid green tea. Back home in New York they find that crunchy rice crackers (senbei with nori) inhabit each jacket pocket.

The trip’s one great discovery, found in the famous Kyoto covered food market street (Nishiki-koji), were dried umeboshi, the tart salt apricot-plum found in a bento box. Dried ones pack all the punch of fresh ones, but taste slightly sweeter, an amazing mouth experience that keeps the palate satisfied and amused long enough for the shinkansen to travel from Hiroshima to Osaka.

In case you go, be forewarned. In Japan there are very few internet connections, no iPhone service, and no trash cans, all the more remarkable because Japanese streets are immaculate. You could eat off the floor.

In the Ginza Mitsukoshi a fresh-faced young woman offered Mr. Henry a free chocolate truffle imported from Paris (over $1 each). Although excellent coffee is widely available ($5 per cup), fine dark chocolate is very scarce. After eating half, he passed the uneaten portion to his devoted consort who characteristically took no notice of him. The truffle dropped to the floor. Seeing no trash can nearby, confident in the cleanliness of Japanese floors, and unwilling to waste the precious truffle, Mr. Henry straightaway picked it up and popped it in his chocolate-deprived mouth. Her spine shivering, the Mitsukoshi woman squeaked in horror.

The one unforgettable meal took place in a 15th-century Buddhist mountaintop temple (Shojoin-in, Koya-san) partly converted for use as a ryokan. In a beautiful tatami room adorned with painted six-panel screen, a muscular monk with shaven pate served a vegan dinner comprising every conceivable fresh bean, mountain yam, and tofu preparation.

Koya-san signature fresh tofu had a toothsome custard-like texture and a slightly caramelized flavor. Cold boiled spinach had been quick-pickled in a light rice wine vinegar and seasoned with a sesame peanut sauce. Of the many pickled and preserved fruits and vegetables, the most unusual was the whole pickled kumquat. You eat the whole thing, seeds and all.

On a golf course if water is temporary, that is, if the course designer did not place it there as a deliberate hazard, it is called casual. If you hit your ball into it, on your next shot you can get relief, that is, you may pick up your ball and drop it one club length away from the water.

In the whole of Florida, however, there is no relief from casual drinking water. Florida tap water is naturally sulfurous and unnaturally chlorinated. Pick your poison, vacationer.

Water, water every where
And all the boards did shrink
Water, water every where
Nor any drop to drink

Ya’ll know it’s an albatross of a problem.

Although bottled water may not taste sulfurous or chlorinated, it still harbors that plastic aroma, plastic that pollutes landfills. When it’s 87 degrees and 97% humidity outside, however, you’ve simply got to drink plenty of water.

Steer clear of Gatorade, whatever you do. Mr. Henry understands that down here Gatorade has been used in enhanced interrogation techniques – Gatorboarding. Very effective.

Iced tea remains the savior, the universal donor. Try to avoid “sweet tea,” too, for obvious reasons. (Sugar makes you thirstier.) After a few days in the Sunshine State you begin to crave tea with top notes of sulfur and chlorine.

Add a squeeze of lemon for a tart, minerally aftertaste, what connoisseurs of sauvignon blanc affectionately call “cat pee.”

Mr. Henry’s own recipe is to put several tea bags (English breakfast) in a big pitcher filled with water left to steep slowly in the refrigerator. Because the tea develops no bitterness, you need neither milk nor sugar.