Happy Holidays, y’all! Here is a lovely little interview from Vanity Fair, in which that li’l pat of sunshine Paula Deen holds forth on Thanksgiving etiquette, doggy bowel movements and their relation to the Survival Principle, and the infamous butter scene in Last Tango in Paris. You must read it. No, you MUST, y’all.
Do you have a Thanksgiving recipe that’s made entirely out of butter?
Just butter? I don’t know. I guess you could unwrap a stick of butter and pour a bottle of jam over it. That might be tasty. But I wouldn’t want to serve it to my family at Thanksgiving.
You are the Butter Queen, right?
Yeah, I have been called that. I do love butter. I don’t care what you’re fixin’, butter makes everything taste better.
I’m assuming your butter enthusiasm has nothing to do with the movie Last Tango in Paris.
I don’t think so. Do they eat a lot of butter in that film?
Well, they don’t eat it exactly.
What did they do with it?
[Long pause.] Uh… I don’t think I know how to explain it without embarrassing both of us.
Is it something dirty? [Laughs.]
You could say that, sure.
Does it have something to do with how your wife got pregnant?
Actually, no. You have the wrong … It’s a different, you know… It’s lower down on the … [Long pause.] Wow, this is amazing. You’ve actually turned the tables on me. I’m flummoxed!
Well honey, you’re the one who brought it up.
Here’s what I can tell you. Marlon Brando used butter in a slightly more intimate way than you do on your Food Network shows.
Ooooh. Well I will definitely check that out.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to awkwardly change the subject.
If you need to.
I think that poor interviewer has the vapors!
Let me ask you seriously: what would your Thanksgiving turkey have to do to win a pardon from you? I mean, NO TURKEY FOR YOU THIS YEAR. You’ll make do with sliders, or Filet o’ Fish sandwiches, or tofurkey instead of that lovely, lovely bird with the tasty, tasty drumsticks. You still get the stuffing (dressing, technically), the mashed potatoes, the rest of the holiday hooplah, but no turkey.
This is weirdly brilliant, in the way turducken is weirdly brilliant. It’s nice to see some respectful innovation around traditional holiday meals, while still putting a kooky, 21st-Century, I-wouldn’t-do-it-but-Reddit-will-go-apeshit-for-it slant on things.
This is nothing less than a Thanksgiving cake made out of ground turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and yams, and frosted with mashed potatoes. Here’s your recipe, don’t all click at once!
Before you laugh, remember the hottest item in the gourmet’s arsenal over the past few years has been flavoured foam. We are obviously cooking in the time of Surrealism, and this is a perfect, and not difficult, iteration of the meme. And think about it; this would be darn tasty. It’s basically just a vertical, poultry-based Shepherd’s Pie, and who doesn’t love Shepherd’s Pie?
Up here in Canuckistan we’ve long since had our Thanksgiving (we have to get it over with before the weather changes and the only people on the roads are Ice Truckers) and it generally features a simple roast turkey, generally stuffed with bread cubes, celery, brandy-soaked raisins, old doll parts, Monopoly dice, and anything else Mom finds in the bottom of the junk drawer. It’s quite a fun tradition, really: if you get the Barbie head, or roll snake eyes, you get to make a wish on the moose antlers. After the meal and the ritual round of butter tarts, the whole family compliments the cook and then sneaks out the back way to Timmy’s, where they can at least get good coffee.
In Yankistan, I understand things work a little differently. Not only do you wait till nearly mid-winter to express your gratitude for the existence of pumpkin pie, but apparently you people like to celebrate the holiday by making turkey pickles, then deep-frying them.
This confused me until I watched the following video, and now it all makes sense. I, too, like to celebrate special occasions by having a few firefighters over to the Global HQ, and this looks like the best way to guarantee they’ll actually show up.