Serious foodie shit

Reminds me of a fellow I met a few years ago who wanted to open a roadside restaurant featuring two items: food, and drink. Take it or leave it. Yeah, a lot of those dotcom guys lost a lot of money in VERY creative ways.

Lady Gaga just threw something together

When I saw an article called 20 Ways to Fake Being a Foodie, I poured myself a cup of something strong (I think it was Irish Breakfast) and settled down to enjoy some 100% organic, free-range snark. Imagine my disappointment when the article itself turned out to be a poorly-scrambled hash of How To Fake It and How To Buy More Expensive Stuff; indeed, the article seemed designed to earnestly foster the breeding and nurture of exactly the kind of pretentious know-nothing that has given foodieism a bad name.

Leaving, of course, a gaping hole in the Snark-O-Sphere. This is like waving a red flag made of alfalfa hay and cow hormones in front of a bull, so you know what I did next: THIS!

Douchebag

Twenty Ways to Fake Being a Foodie: by raincoaster

1. Take pictures of everything that you eat, no exceptions. That means everything from your morning coffee, which you will refer to as “petit café” right through to the last shot of rotgut you take before passing out in front of the tv. Bonus points for doing it with an SLR rather than an iPhone. Double bonus points if you change lenses first while your food gets cold.
2. Instagram that shit so nobody can tell what it really looks like anyway.
3. NEVER refer to a food, even English food, by English words. And don’t use Italian words when you can use French or Japanese. It’s not zucchini; it’s courgettes. Bookmark Babelfish for the purpose: SO handy for translating “Cream of Wheat” into Icelandic and tweeting out the result.
4. Cross-post all these pictures to every social media platform under the sun. Do not add anything new to any of the cross-posts. If someone wants to follow you on Twitter and be friends on Facebook, it must be because they want to see these things repeatedly, amirite? Have a blog; that should go without saying.
5. Claim to have originated the recipe for things which need no recipes, and put those recipes into blog posts which are then shared to all platforms in number 4. A good example would be a post that starts with, “I’m often asked by my [imaginary] friends for my killer recipe for ‘Sandwich à beurre d’arachide avec la confiture,’ so after much prodding I’ve decided to share the secret…”
6. When dining with others, physically interpose yourself between them and their food until you’ve composed and photographed it to your satisfaction. They will feel special.
7. Namedrop chefs who’ve appeared in Vogue, but not those who’ve been nominated for James Beard Awards.
8. Describe your groceries as “hyperlocal” because you buy them at the Safeway down the street.
9. Describe your groceries as “organic” because, hello, they’re not made of noble gas compounds, are they?
10. Describe your dinner party hors d’oeuvres of white toast and Cheez Whiz as “brushetta.”
11. Spell it like that.
12. Ostentatiously disdain and abuse one restaurant that you will never be able to afford. In advance. That way you don’t have to come up with excuses when you get invited there with friends.
13. Buy one bottle of super-premium olive oil. When it runs out, refill it with cheap olive oil bought because it was a similar colour.
14. Serve cheap wine in expensive glasses. Be sure the napkin around the label doesn’t slip. When someone questions the wine, say it hasn’t breathed enough, but you wanted to share “something really special” with your friends.
15. Don’t forget that time is precious when preparing for a dinner party. Pick up the stuffed loin at Costco and pretend you slaughtered the beast yourself “on Papa’s ranch.” That Papa’s ranch is the Rancho Vista Senior’s Center need not concern your guests.
16. Introduce yourself to the staff whenever you go out. Follow them into the kitchen and introduce yourself to everyone there. It’s so endearing, and they will never forget you.
17. Tip 10%. It keeps people on their toes.
18. Refer to the time you spent bagging groceries in high school as “my early culinary training.” Better yet, upgrade it to “doing a stage with Famous Chef.” He need never know. He probably wouldn’t remember your name if you had.
19. If you really, truly, cannot make any palatable food whatsoever, but people are coming over expecting to be bowled over by your cuisine (because you’ve been following tips 1 through 18) buy a metric shit-ton(ne) of fruits and green, leafy vegetables, bung the lot into a blender, and serve in milkshake cups, explaining you’re “over the macrobiotic thing, and really into Living Foods juicing now.”
20. If you have accidentally invited any actual raw vegans, fold immediately, you have met your match in pretention. How can you tell a raw vegan? Oh they’ll tell you!

Gwyn wins

carrots are the 99 %

For those of you who, like me, find the entire Occupy Movement to be really well-intentioned, justified, and (indeed) not a moment too soon, but also somewhat dry (The General Assembly is the Filboid Studge of participatory democracy) we have some good news! Occupy Wall Street’s Liberty Plaza General Assembly has taken a lesson from the mainstream media and spiced up its hard news Committee Reports section (is that Spokes? Or Tranches? Who can keepWall Street terminology straight anyway?) with some food-and-spirituality-related entertainment.

Behold:

Christine: let’s start. The name of your WG. Winter w Safer Spaces & spirit vegetable is edamame. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:56 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Roll call continued! Next, Pablo from OWS en Español! Their spirit vegetable is plantains. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:57 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Julian w Outreach, spirit vegetable is cauliflower. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:57 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Evelyn, w/ Human Rights working group – hasn’t decided on her spirit vegetable yet! #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:57 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Sean w Fire Safety, he’s sad b/c he has no spirit vegetable, someone recommends chili pepper. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:57 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Info WG: Spirit vegetable is okra. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:57 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Devin is spoking for Tech Ops working group tonight, and their spirit veggie is the artichoke! #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Ravi, w/ Organization – her spirit vegetable is carrots. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Ben from Direct Action, their spirit vegetable is squash b/c they are going to squash capitalism #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Ben, from Direct Action – their spirit veggie is squash b/c they’re gonna squash capitalism. (lolz!) #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Chris from SIS is broccoli rabe #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Galen from Finance and their spirit vegetable is pork. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Jen from Legal. Then, Galen from Finance, whose spirit vegetable is PORK. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:58 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Frank from Alternative Currencies’ spirit veggie is asparagus. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:59 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Sebastian from OccupyDiginity and their spirit vegetable is green chili. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:59 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Next spoke is Dwayne from PR; their spirit vegetable is green beans! #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:59 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Brian from OccupyNewark and their spirit vegetable is eggplant. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:59 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Next, Bryan, from @OccupyNewark, whose spirit vegetable is carrot. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 6:59 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Nan’s from Strong Women’s group tonight, and her spirit vegetable is “kicking your ass”. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:00 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Carrie from Minutes; their spirit vegetable is wild onion, b/c while the top is lovely, it’s acid on the bottom! #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:00 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Nicholas from Occupy the Youth (he’s awesome), their spirit vegetable is, fuck it, a carrot. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:01 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Next, Adam from Design. Their spirit vegetable is cigarettes! #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:01 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Justin from Medics their spirit vegetable is cayenne pepper. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:01 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Next, Dylan from Sanitation – their spirit vegetable is…. water chestnuts? #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:01 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Jen from OccupyVacations??? spirit vegetable is potato

December 2, 2011 7:01 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Next, Bryan from the Occupiers – I couldn’t understand their spirit veggie. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:02 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Jason from Housing, spirit vegetable is collard greens. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:02 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Next, Desiree from Stop Stop and Frisk working group – their spirit vegetable is peanut M&Ms. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:02 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Jeff from Town Planning, spirit vegetable is whatever Kitchen is making #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:02 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Daniel is spoke for Facilitation tonight; they’ve “reached full consensus that our spirit vegetable is ghost cale.” #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:02 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Zach from Security/De-Escalation, spirit vegetable is tomatoes. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:02 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Corbin, from Sustainability – their spirit vegetable is I think mixed greens #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:03 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Library! Their spirit vegetable is “I think weed because it rhymes w/ read.” #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:03 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Jen from Anti-Racism Allies & spirit vegetable is… something I could’t hear b/c Nan is talking. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:03 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Frank, from Occupy the Cypher – their spirit vegetable is the pomegranate b/c it symbolizes music. #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:03 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Lulu from Media, spirit vegetable is daikon radish #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:04 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Trish is spoke for Organize Labor tonight and she says “all of the above vegetables.” #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:04 pm via Twitter for MacReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

Edwin from OWS En Espanol (I think), and his spirit vegetable is Let’s Take Back Our Government #nycsc #ows

December 2, 2011 7:04 pm via Twitter for iPhoneReplyRetweetFavorite

@LibertySqGA

LibertySq GA

I love the tv show Chopped. It is on the Food Network. It is the perfect complement (antithesis?) to the Iron Chef (America, sadly, because I can’t seem to find the original around any more). The perfect ratio is about 5 Chopped’s and then 1 Iron Chef. The Iron Chef is just kind of a palate cleanser to show you what great chefs with staffs of helpers, virtually any ingredient they want, and advance notice, can do.

Chopped is better. This is the show where you get four professional chefs, but usually your average Joe chef who works in some smaller restaurant in New York and wants to win 10,000 dollars. They get a mystery basket for each course (Ted Allen “For the entree course you get – beef tenderloin, sour worms, feta cheese and GALANGAL!”) Which leads me to my somewhat of a complaint.

Do they make these things up? What the hell is Galangal? Where do you get it? Why does it exist? I have never in my life even heard of galangal, and I am reasonably well read and conversant in food. Not a professional or anything, but seriously – Galangal?

Now, before you yell at me, I googled it up, so I now know what it means, and that it is not a made up term – although, Ted Allen might be messing with Wikipedia, hmmm- and here is a picture, although I could also post a picture of the “moon landing” as if that proves anything.

There, rant done – for now.

Does this actually exist? GALANGAL!

The Magic Potion

Here’s the quote of the day, from an Englishman and thus, naturally, a tea fanatic:

It is very strange, this domination of our intellect by our digestive organs. We cannot work, we cannot think, unless our stomach wills so. It dictates to us our emotions, our passions. After eggs and bacon it says, “Work!” After beefsteak and porter, it says, “Sleep!” After a cup of tea (two spoonfuls for each cup, and don’t let it stand for more than three minutes), it says to the brain, “Now rise, and show your strength. Be eloquent, and deep, and tender; see, with a clear eye, into Nature, and into life: spread your white wings of quivering thought, and soar, a god-like spirit, over the whirling world beneath you, up through long lanes of flaming stars to the gates of eternity! ”
—
Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat

via ItWasNow

I love Thanksgiving turkey. It’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

These days it seems like everybody, no matter how unqualified, has a diet plan nowadays, but frankly, this Andy Warhol New York City diet sounds like a winner to me. You could always count on Andy to get to the heart of the American experience while simultaneously hovering outside of the mainstream.

…he explained in his 1975 book The Philosophy of Andy Warhol that he stayed thin by ordering things he disliked in restaurants — even fashionable and expensive ones such as La Grenouille. While his companions ate, he picked at his plate and then had the food wrapped up so he could leave it somewhere for a homeless person to find.

Nowadays, of course, he could just hand it to the two or three people sitting on the sidewalk directly outside the restaurant, or call FoodRunners or the NYC equivalent. Then Andy would go off to Chock Full O’ Nuts and order a cream cheese and nut sandwich on date-nut bread just like he always did, and which is, if you think about it, quite respectable and delicious as long as you steer clear of cheap Chinese walnuts. I’ll take mine with hazelnuts, please, to go.

“Progress is very important and exciting in everything except food.”
Andy Warhol

This is weirdly brilliant, in the way turducken is weirdly brilliant. It’s nice to see some respectful innovation around traditional holiday meals, while still putting a kooky, 21st-Century, I-wouldn’t-do-it-but-Reddit-will-go-apeshit-for-it slant on things.

This is nothing less than a Thanksgiving cake made out of ground turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and yams, and frosted with mashed potatoes. Here’s your recipe, don’t all click at once!

Before you laugh, remember the hottest item in the gourmet’s arsenal over the past few years has been flavoured foam. We are obviously cooking in the time of Surrealism, and this is a perfect, and not difficult, iteration of the meme. And think about it; this would be darn tasty. It’s basically just a vertical, poultry-based Shepherd’s Pie, and who doesn’t love Shepherd’s Pie?

via MercuryPDX, KindaFabulous, and Carlovely

VERY different.