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Sunday Food Porn: the Diddlebock Cocktail

Diddlebock

The Diddlebock Cocktail was created during perhaps the greatest bar scene ever filmed, a ten minute scene in the deliriously wacky 1947 Harold Lloyd flick The Sin Of Harold Diddlebock (that sin was drunkeness, it goes without saying or would, if I weren’t paid by the word). You can read a review of it here. Poor, straightlaced Harold has lost his job and his love and his purpose in life, and he is being led by his new pal the racetrack tout to an underground bar to have his first sip of the sweet nectar. The bartender is a poet at heart, who is inspired to new heights of achievement by the special occasion. This man is an epicurean of everclear, a De Sade of spirits, a Byron of booze.

The ingredients include vodka, crushed ice, astrology, corn liquor, and a breathtaking alcoholic erudition. It would be the greatest of all possible birthday presents (other than Julian Assange with a bow around his neck) for someone to present me with one of these. Pour yourself the beverage of your choice and settle in for ten minutes of glory.

“It has always seemed to me that a cocktail should approach us on tiptoe, like a young girl whose first appeal is innocence.” Magic.

Apparently, as far as Google and I can find, nobody has ever attempted to reconstruct a Diddlebock Cocktail in real life.

Challenge Accepted

Challenge Accepted

Secrets of the BBQ

Hey, is that Drew Barrymore?

Hey, is that Drew Barrymore?


The secret is, God loves a good barbeque as much as the next guy. Proof? This hysterical video of an anti-gay protester outside the General Mills HQ discovering that his “Let’s send Cheerios up in flames” protest was just a teensy bit more successful than he’d anticipated.Or maybe Cheerios are so gay they open a portal STRAIGHT TO HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!

via DListed

So the next time you’re out of fire starter fluid or those bizarre waxy cubes (what is IN those anyway, dinosaur blubber?), throw a few Cheerios on the briquets and stand clear! Servicey! Thanks, Mister Homophobe Guy!

Serious Foodie is Serious

Serious foodie shit

Serious foodie shit

Reminds me of a fellow I met a few years ago who wanted to open a roadside restaurant featuring two items: food, and drink. Take it or leave it. Yeah, a lot of those dotcom guys lost a lot of money in VERY creative ways.

Faking Foodieism

Lady Gaga just threw something together

Lady Gaga just threw something together

When I saw an article called 20 Ways to Fake Being a Foodie, I poured myself a cup of something strong (I think it was Irish Breakfast) and settled down to enjoy some 100% organic, free-range snark. Imagine my disappointment when the article itself turned out to be a poorly-scrambled hash of How To Fake It and How To Buy More Expensive Stuff; indeed, the article seemed designed to earnestly foster the breeding and nurture of exactly the kind of pretentious know-nothing that has given foodieism a bad name.

Leaving, of course, a gaping hole in the Snark-O-Sphere. This is like waving a red flag made of alfalfa hay and cow hormones in front of a bull, so you know what I did next: THIS!

Douchebag

Douchebag

Twenty Ways to Fake Being a Foodie: by raincoaster

  1. Take pictures of everything that you eat, no exceptions. That means everything from your morning coffee, which you will refer to as “petit café” right through to the last shot of rotgut you take before passing out in front of the tv. Bonus points for doing it with an SLR rather than an iPhone. Double bonus points if you change lenses first while your food gets cold.
  2. Instagram that shit so nobody can tell what it really looks like anyway.
  3. NEVER refer to a food, even English food, by English words. And don’t use Italian words when you can use French or Japanese. It’s not zucchini; it’s courgettes. Bookmark Babelfish for the purpose: SO handy for translating “Cream of Wheat” into Icelandic and tweeting out the result.
  4. Cross-post all these pictures to every social media platform under the sun. Do not add anything new to any of the cross-posts. If someone wants to follow you on Twitter and be friends on Facebook, it must be because they want to see these things repeatedly, amirite? Have a blog; that should go without saying.
  5. Claim to have originated the recipe for things which need no recipes, and put those recipes into blog posts which are then shared to all platforms in number 4. A good example would be a post that starts with, “I’m often asked by my [imaginary] friends for my killer recipe for ‘Sandwich à beurre d’arachide avec la confiture,’ so after much prodding I’ve decided to share the secret…”
  6. When dining with others, physically interpose yourself between them and their food until you’ve composed and photographed it to your satisfaction. They will feel special.
  7. Namedrop chefs who’ve appeared in Vogue, but not those who’ve been nominated for James Beard Awards.
  8. Describe your groceries as “hyperlocal” because you buy them at the Safeway down the street.
  9. Describe your groceries as “organic” because, hello, they’re not made of noble gas compounds, are they?
  10. Describe your dinner party hors d’oeuvres of white toast and Cheez Whiz as “brushetta.”
  11. Spell it like that.
  12. Ostentatiously disdain and abuse one restaurant that you will never be able to afford. In advance. That way you don’t have to come up with excuses when you get invited there with friends.
  13. Buy one bottle of super-premium olive oil. When it runs out, refill it with cheap olive oil bought because it was a similar colour.
  14. Serve cheap wine in expensive glasses. Be sure the napkin around the label doesn’t slip. When someone questions the wine, say it hasn’t breathed enough, but you wanted to share “something really special” with your friends.
  15. Don’t forget that time is precious when preparing for a dinner party. Pick up the stuffed loin at Costco and pretend you slaughtered the beast yourself “on Papa’s ranch.” That Papa’s ranch is the Rancho Vista Senior’s Center need not concern your guests.
  16. Introduce yourself to the staff whenever you go out. Follow them into the kitchen and introduce yourself to everyone there. It’s so endearing, and they will never forget you.
  17. Tip 10%. It keeps people on their toes.
  18. Refer to the time you spent bagging groceries in high school as “my early culinary training.” Better yet, upgrade it to “doing a stage with Famous Chef.” He need never know. He probably wouldn’t remember your name if you had.
  19. If you really, truly, cannot make any palatable food whatsoever, but people are coming over expecting to be bowled over by your cuisine (because you’ve been following tips 1 through 18) buy a metric shit-ton(ne) of fruits and green, leafy vegetables, bung the lot into a blender, and serve in milkshake cups, explaining you’re “over the macrobiotic thing, and really into Living Foods juicing now.”
  20. If you have accidentally invited any actual raw vegans, fold immediately, you have met your match in pretention. How can you tell a raw vegan? Oh they’ll tell you!
Gwyn wins

Gwyn wins

OccupyVeggies!

carrots are the 99 %

carrots are the 99 %

For those of you who, like me, find the entire Occupy Movement to be really well-intentioned, justified, and (indeed) not a moment too soon, but also somewhat dry (The General Assembly is the Filboid Studge of participatory democracy) we have some good news! Occupy Wall Street’s Liberty Plaza General Assembly has taken a lesson from the mainstream media and spiced up its hard news Committee Reports section (is that Spokes? Or Tranches? Who can keepWall Street terminology straight anyway?) with some food-and-spirituality-related entertainment.

Behold:


Christine: let’s start. The name of your WG. Winter w Safer Spaces & spirit vegetable is edamame. #nycsc #ows
@LibertySqGA
LibertySq GA


Roll call continued! Next, Pablo from OWS en Español! Their spirit vegetable is plantains. #nycsc #ows
@LibertySqGA
LibertySq GA


Julian w Outreach, spirit vegetable is cauliflower. #nycsc #ows
@LibertySqGA
LibertySq GA


Evelyn, w/ Human Rights working group – hasn’t decided on her spirit vegetable yet! #nycsc #ows
@LibertySqGA
LibertySq GA


Sean w Fire Safety, he’s sad b/c he has no spirit vegetable, someone recommends chili pepper. #nycsc #ows
@LibertySqGA
LibertySq GA


Info WG: Spirit vegetable is okra. #nycsc #ows
@LibertySqGA
LibertySq GA


Devin is spoking for Tech Ops working group tonight, and their spirit veggie is the artichoke! #nycsc #ows
@LibertySqGA
LibertySq GA


Ravi, w/ Organization – her spirit vegetable is carrots. #nycsc #ows
@LibertySqGA
LibertySq GA


Ben from Direct Action, their spirit vegetable is squash b/c they are going to squash capitalism #nycsc #ows
@LibertySqGA
LibertySq GA

(more…)

What the hell is Galangal?

It sounds like something nasty or something that you have pierced, but only if you are kind of a freak.

 

I love the tv show Chopped. It is on the Food Network. It is the perfect complement (antithesis?) to the Iron Chef (America, sadly, because I can’t seem to find the original around any more). The perfect ratio is about 5 Chopped’s and then 1 Iron Chef. The Iron Chef is just kind of a palate cleanser to show you what great chefs with staffs of helpers, virtually any ingredient they want, and advance notice, can do.

Chopped is better. This is the show where you get four professional chefs, but usually your average Joe chef who works in some smaller restaurant in New York and wants to win 10,000 dollars. They get a mystery basket for each course (Ted Allen “For the entree course you get – beef tenderloin, sour worms, feta cheese and GALANGAL!”) Which leads me to my somewhat of a complaint.

Do they make these things up? What the hell is Galangal? Where do you get it? Why does it exist? I have never in my life even heard of galangal, and I am reasonably well read and conversant in food. Not a professional or anything, but seriously – Galangal?

Now, before you yell at me, I googled it up, so I now know what it means, and that it is not a made up term – although, Ted Allen might be messing with Wikipedia, hmmm- and here is a picture, although I could also post a picture of the “moon landing” as if that proves anything.

There, rant done – for now.

Does this actually exist? GALANGAL!

Who’s In Charge Here?

The Magic Potion

The Magic Potion

Here’s the quote of the day, from an Englishman and thus, naturally, a tea fanatic:

It is very strange, this domination of our intellect by our digestive organs. We cannot work, we cannot think, unless our stomach wills so. It dictates to us our emotions, our passions. After eggs and bacon it says, “Work!” After beefsteak and porter, it says, “Sleep!” After a cup of tea (two spoonfuls for each cup, and don’t let it stand for more than three minutes), it says to the brain, “Now rise, and show your strength. Be eloquent, and deep, and tender; see, with a clear eye, into Nature, and into life: spread your white wings of quivering thought, and soar, a god-like spirit, over the whirling world beneath you, up through long lanes of flaming stars to the gates of eternity! ”

Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat

via ItWasNow

A Merry MultiCulti Christmas!

From David Mamet to you:

But what do the Chinese do on Passover?

How is this night different from all other nights? WONTONS!

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