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Emetic | Manolo's Food Blog - Part 4
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The Clean Plate Club

Little Americans, do your bit: no matter how noxious it may be

Little Americans, do your bit: no matter how noxious it may be

Yes, kiddies: close your eyes and do it for your country!

Oatmeal is made from corn? Who knew??? Also: corn meal mush needs a new marketing strategy. Filboid Studge, anyone?

Hello Kitty, Goodbye Appetite

Hello Kitty, goodbye appetite!

Hello Kitty, goodbye appetite!

Have you ever heard of aversion therapy? I think that’s what must have been in the sick and twisted mind of the person who came up with these (yes, that is a hair bow made of pepperoni). What better way to lose weight than to take one of the world’s most satisfying and popular foods and make it revolting? There is a circle of hell reserved for people who come up with Hello Kitty product ideas, and it is bright pink.

I scream

Does their milkshake bring all the boys to the yard?

Does their milkshake bring all the boys to the yard?

It is with sadness (for we always enjoy having one more ridonkulous thing in the world upon which to snark) that we note that health concerns have turned off the tap on Baby Gaga, the ice cream made from human breast milk. It seems dairy livestock need to be raised in accordance with certain conditions which the new mothers of London were not as a rule encountering in their own lifestyles.

The late lamented publicity magnet was offered at London ice creamateria The Icecreamists for a cool £14 a serving; a serving which was delivered to you by a waitress dressed up as, yes, Lady Gaga. Apparently, it tasted like vanilla. And desperation.

We much prefer the new (and, yes, real) Ben & Jerry’s Late Night Snack ice cream, another vanilla variant, this one with salty caramel swirl and fudge covered potato chip clusters. All that’s missing is the salsa and it’s a late night meal in a carton!

Late Night Ice Cream: Beer and/or pot not included

Late Night Ice Cream: Beer and/or pot not included

Apparently Jimmy Fallon is involved in the product, but presumably not as a “donor.”

Complete Fruitcakes!

fruitcake

You'd have to be nutty as a fruitcake to eat a sentient dessert


Or incomplete fruitcakes as the case may be. Me, personally? I love the stuff, but I realize I am alone.

So, so very alone.

Are you alone and different from me and stuck with a mouldering or pickled lump of brownish carbs, fats, and assorted undigestables, covered in some unnamed and unnameable sticky substance, the whole Shoggoth-like agglomeration wrapped in hideously toxic-looking red or green “festive” plastic?

What you have there, my friend, is a fruitcake. And if you still have one lying around, and it’s not one you’re going to be feeding and watering (with booze, please, and none of your foofy white zin either) and then devouring once it’s achieved that peak of perfect pickleosity, then I’m assuming it’s not #1 on your favorite foods list.

But there is hope.

You don’t have to consume it at all! The ingenious folks in Manitou Springs, Colorado have found a way to turn what’s basically a brick made of calories and cholesterol into an extreme sport. This, my friends, is true genius: co-opting a seasonal calorie source and transforming it, simply by sheer can-do-ism, into an athletic activity.

Behold the annual Manitou Springs Fruitcake Toss.

Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat cake.” In Manitou Springs the local Chamber of Commerce encourages people to throw cake. Each January the community hosts its Great Fruitcake Toss, the strangely compelling spectacle in which participants fling fruitcakes through the air, competing in events that emphasize distance, accuracy, and showmanship. While the contest does nothing to improve the reputation of the much-maligned fruitcake, it has succeeded in attracting media attention to a town best known for its natural mineral springs and proximity to Pikes Peak.

Behold as well, the Manitou Springs Fruitcake Launch (trebuchets, what looks like a potato gun, and a crossbow are among the launchers). Behold, finally, the Manitou Springs Fruitcake CATCH. And behold, lastly, well, I won’t spoil the surprise. But it combines two of the most disliked physical objects of our time and only one of those is fruitcake.

Why Gnott?

It explodes alrighty, and not just with flavour

It explodes alrighty, and not just with flavour

In today’s lesson, Steve from Webrestaurantstore will demonstrate why we shouldn’t deep-fry gnocchi and, for bonus points, why our solution to somethingdeep-fried spitting at us should not be to turn up the heat. Oh, you may think you know this stuff already, but do put in the time to watch this video, at least up to the 1:45 mark. You won’t regret it.

via MisterHippity

In related news, this civilian was actually successful in his attempt, but then he had the good sense to a) use cooked gnocchi as his substrate and b) batter the gnocchi first, thus rendering its exterior significantly freer of H20. Still, speaking for myself I’d have to say that battered, deep-fried potato dumplings are not exactly something that makes my mouth water, and I’m not even on a low-carb diet. We have starch, wrapped in starch, deep-fried. Please stop the madness.

Thanksgiving Cocktails that are vile and that do not come from Sandra Lee

I know! I thought they all did, too!

This one comes from Twitter:

And, yeah, if you need a Sandra Lee fix today (remember, that Christmas episode is coming up!) here you go. Watch it and weep. Weep for our culture.

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Mystery Meat!

Well, this just does not look good.

Spam. Spam spam spam spam spammy spam. OR WAS IT??

ZOMG, this means one of two things. Either cases upon cases of Spam were airlifted to the grounded cruise ship and NOT fed to people, or the crew ate it and substituted something else pink, glistening, and meat-like. Which reminds me, has anyone seen the navigator?

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Paula Deen’s Stoner Burger

Paula Deen's Keyboard, y'all!

Paula Deen, in case you’ve been living under a rock, is a cook of exaggerated Southernosity, one whose veins run with clarified butter instead of icky old blood like regular people.

Since we featured Poutine, the Great Canadian Hangover Cure the other day, I thought we might as well feature the American equivalent, so here is Paula Deen and her guest making and consuming a donut bacon egg burger.

Seriously, how stoned are they?
paula deen reacts to the donut burger

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