Life has few pleasures as subtle and satisfying as having Craig Brown for breakfast.

Craig Brown is not the FIRST thing I'd choose to look at in the morning

One does not have to look at him, you understand. That might put one off one’s nosh entirely. One simply has to read him, preferably with a steaming mug of something brain-fortifying nearby, to help keep up. His sneakier bon mots tend to prove indigestible to the cocktail-lubricated system; yes, responsibly consumed, Craig Brown is an important part of a nutritious breakfast.

Take this little morsel, from the bountiful spread of Vanity Fair: Breakfast With Obama

Barack is a waffler

This morning, I say to my wife and my girls, the waffles we face are real. They will not go away. Cornmeal waffles, buckwheat waffles, pumkin waffles, chicken ‘n’ waffles. The waffles we face are serious and manifold.

In my life, I tell Sasha and Malia, I have learned that there are three ways to eat a waffle. With a spoon. With a fork. Or with a spoon and fork. I put the choices before them. You may eat your waffle with a spoon. Or you may eat your waffle with a fork. Or — and this is the choice awaiting you, and that shall one day await us all — you may prefer to eat your waffle with, yes, both a spoon and a fork. So which is it to be?

I pause, and look up from my breakfast podium. The girsl are already halfway through eating their waffles. With their hands.

We could not wait for you to finish, Daddy, they say.

I call that satisfying.

And last month he was coffee; this month he's tea. So hard to keep track!

Quote of the day, via Dane Morgan:

Once there was a little teapot, short and stout. But then some of the other utensils in the kitchen started making fun of it on the internet and it went on a diet. Now no one gets to drink tea any more. the end.

Today’s food news comes to us from the cast of the late, great Harry Potter movies. Remember when Neville Longbottom was a potatoface? Remember when Luna was an unpopular nutbar? Well, you’ll be happy to know that their characters’ less attractive qualities have been put behind them and they still manage to be free spirits.

Thusly:

“Matt and I, are somewhat like partners in crime. Whenever we finish our scenes first, while the others are doing theirs, we kind of hide in opposite corners of the set and roll bagels to each other , and then no one realizes it because they’re so busy acting. Matt and I run away before anyone can catch us and then when they play the scene back they see a couple of bagels happily rolling across the set.”

-Evanna Lynch

This is what I call a drop-dead dessert.

Vinny Garcia is a hardcore Doctor Who fan as well as a talented cake designer, and you just know how those people are: gotta cross them streams, unite those worlds. No doubt it started with an undergrad in the sixties, baking John Pertwee-faced cookies to the sounds of the Merseybeat, and the next thing you know, this exists.

From BBCAmerica:

“I’ve seen Dalek cakes made here and there, but I just felt like nobody really captured the essence of the Dalek and the complexity of the design,” he explained. “Somebody went through a lot of trouble to design every nook and cranny of this thing, and you never see it. I thought, ‘Everyone always thinks the conical shape when they think Dalek,’ so I decided to go that extra mile to get to the difficulty level. And to be able to make this Dalek in the way that I wanted to make it, as cheesy as it sounds, it’s a dream come true.… Having made the Dalek, I naturally want to make Davros,” Garcia revealed. “I’d also like to make a three-foot tall cyberman or even The Doctor himself. I’d love to make a Tom Baker with a giant scarf and a little K-9, oh that would be so awesome.”

You can keep your molecular gastronomy, boys and girls. THAT is true food nerdism.

Really, you can keep your glitter ponies and your balloon-bending clowns. Matt Stache is the best entertainment a party could have. Also handy in case of zombie invasion, as he comes with more weaponry than G.I. Joe ever dreamed of. Here’s the latest in the Will It Saber series from our bubbly good buddy, which we feature because it’s great fun and NOT AT ALL because we got a shout-out in the video. Not at all.

We can’t find exactly that spear head on Amazon, but this Cold Steel Assegai‘s pretty close:

And I don’t know why, but when you search Amazon for Spear Head, you also get these Naughty Monkey Clogs, so what the hell. SHOES!

Yes, it’s perilously close to a commercial, but it’s still awfully fun.

This should liven up the ol’ tailgate party, and who’d dare to boo your team when everyone can damn well see you’re armed to the teeth?

I haz an alibi!

Busted!

It seems some people just can’t get enough of Canada’s Second Greatest Export (after that avatar of grace and elegance, Pamela Anderson). Yes, according to TMZ someone in California today hijacked hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of Dan Aykroyd’s Crystal Head Vodka, about which we’ve blogged elsewhere.

“My partners and I are sorry to lose this much vodka to theft and do not condone criminal activity in any fashion, but we are happy that some consumers will be afforded the opportunity of tasting it at significantly lower than retail price.”

Think about it: if they’d hijacked the same volume of Iceberg vodka, they could have saved about $150,000!

Alas Poor Aykroyd

Related articles

• 21,000 Bottles of Definitely Not Insane Dan Aykroyd Vodka Stolen (videogum.com)
• Aykroyd’s vodka stolen (hollywood.com)
• Dan Aykroyd’s UFOs and Vodka (godlessgirl.com)

My god, simply EVERYONE got an invitation. If it hadn’t been laundry day, I’m sure I would have made it as well.

Paula Deen and Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie at the royal wedding

Oh look, she brought a plus one. And you know, that’s what that hat needed: more butter!

By the way, my favorite ridiculous tea accessory (and there are a LOT from which to choose, including my mechanized sugar picker, which reminds me of the claw in that Pick A Toy machine at the Legion) is this delightfully pointless set of Royal Family Hot Tubber Teabags. Pun away!