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April, 2011 | Manolo's Food Blog
Archive - April, 2011

Paula Deen at the Royal Wedding!

My god, simply EVERYONE got an invitation. If it hadn’t been laundry day, I’m sure I would have made it as well.

Paula Deen and Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie at the royal wedding

Paula Deen and Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie at the royal wedding

Oh look, she brought a plus one. And you know, that’s what that hat needed: more butter!

By the way, my favorite ridiculous tea accessory (and there are a LOT from which to choose, including my mechanized sugar picker, which reminds me of the claw in that Pick A Toy machine at the Legion) is this delightfully pointless set of Royal Family Hot Tubber Teabags. Pun away!

hot tubbing with the royal family

Schlocolate!

Karl Lagerfeld and his chocolate lapdog

Karl Lagerfeld and his chocolate lapdog

It’s not as if Krazy Karl ever, you know, eats (or at least he doesn’t swallow), but he has designed an all-chocolate hotel room, including a solid chocolate (and apparently quite startled) roommate modeled on his own pet, Baptiste Giabiconi. He’s a pretty fellow, but really is a pity about the melasma. Still, I would recommend not just a condom but a full-body wetsuit if you’re going to get down and dirty with Blackface Boy here.

How was your Easter?

Bye Bye Bunny

Bye Bye Bunny

I’ll be honest: I’ve had a grudge against Easter ever since I realized that, when I was growing up (before the invention of fire) we got a basket of chocolates with one big bunny, a couple of Easter Creme Eggs, and a lot of jellybeans, and only a few years later my much younger stepbrothers got Rollerblades, BUT I’M SO OVER THAT REALLY.

Ahem. Anyway, I didn’t do anything special on Easter and I didn’t get any chocolate except the Hazelnut truffle my friend Raul bought me from the charming Portuguese fellow at the market and no, I’m not sulking, I’M SO OVER THAT I TELL YOU WHY DO YOU KEEP LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY?

I did have a delightful and delicious Easter tea on Friday with a good friend and the most adorable 14-month-old baby you’ve ever seen, and a post will be forthcoming on that shortly, once I’ve gotten my hands on the pictures. I’d almost have a baby so I’d have an excuse to buy those adorable little baby shoes!

On Easter Sunday I got up late, put the kettle on, made myself a French Press of Kenya (yes, from Starbucks: their Kenya AAA is one of the most perfectly balanced coffees in the world FACT and the VP of coffee there once told me it had the second highest caffeine level of any of their offerings, right behind Columbia) and then had a big mess of vegetarian chili while re-reading Toby Young’s extremely addictive memoir How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (curse you, Toby Young, how many rainy days have you cost me in lost productivity???) and then, as always, I went to the cafe with the dreadful coffee and had the green tea while I went online. Hey, a blogger’s gotta blog, eh?

What did you do? Do people still have Easter traditions? Holding out for Monday? Favorite candy? Gawker has a What Your Favorite Easter Candy Says About You quiz, and I present the following Cadbury Easter Creme Egg result without comment:

You normally have things under control but are subject to wild and uncontrollable cravings. While your life is typically together, you suffer from a serious flaw like constant tardiness, chronic attitude problems, or the lack of discipline to keep yourself in check when around seasonal chocolate treats. When you dedicate yourself to your vice, you go in whole hog. If you don’t have a drinking problem now, you probably will in a year or so. Also, you hate people who like those tiny little eggs they sell in packs of twelve. They’re like people who get wasted on New Years Eve and St. Paddy’s Day.

Sunday Food Porn: And now, for some Canadian Content

Luuuuuuuuuuuu!

Luuuuuuuuuuuu!

It’s a little-known (and less-cared-about) fact that Canadian television and radio licensees are required by law to broadcast a certain percentage of “Canadian Content” each hour, and that there are very strict definitions thereof. We are glad to see that Timmy’s is extending the national-identity-reinforcement to their tasty confections as well, with these Canucks Long Johns. Just a shame those poor boys in Afghanistan can’t get their regulation issue battle gloves on these babies.

Maybe just as well. They look like Leafs fans.

Happy Easter!

The Last Happy Meal

The Last Happy Meal

I don’t have to tell YOU that the secret name of the Burger King’s king was Pontius Pilate. Very few people know this, actually.

How to squish a Cadbury’s Easter Creme Egg using the absolute maximum amount of technology and amusement.

Happy Easter from Sharon Tate and the Easter Bunny

Happy Easter from Sharon Tate and the Easter Bunny

Awww, I somehow don’t remember Roman Polanski’s softcore version of Alice in Wonderland.

Pokemon Easter Eggs

Pokemon Easter Eggs

How do you get these Easter Eggs on the school bus? You pokemon.

Is this the greatest food ever invented? Deep Fried Cadbury Creme Eggs

Is this the greatest food ever invented? Deep Fried Cadbury Creme Eggs

Possibly the greatest food ever invented: Deep Fried Cadbury Easter Creme Eggs. So worth 350 calories.

Coffee a la Canuck

Today’s NSFW video comes to us from the dusty plains of Afghanistan. Watch in amazement as these stalwart Canadian soldiers demonstrate proper coffee-making techniques in a battle situation. Revel in wonderment at the fact that people never get tired of arguing about Starbucks. Get your machine gun good and cool before beginning the procedure.

“Step One, check for insurgents. Nuthin’ fucks up good coffee like fuckin’ insurgents.” Amen to that, my brother.

Tea-Partay!

Our good friend Eric Nabler recently brought up the not-yet-pressing-in-Cauckistan-where-it-is-still-snowing question of beverages which are both appropriate and practical for consumption al fresco in the heat of high summer. We have to draw a line in the sand and say that Martinis, as delightful as they are, are (along with roulette) really an indoor activity.

For sitting outside in the heat of summer, we offer the following. But first, the world’s greatest booze commercial (note: I have never seen this product in Canada, and wouldn’t buy it if I did, but the commercial is pure awesomenosity).

Secondly, we offer this book, The Tropical Bar Bookthe greatest Drinks to Be Consumed Outdoors book in the history of all literature.
The Tropical Bar Book

In case you’re tempted to doubt my word for it, this book is not simply a work of art stuffed with entertaining literary excerpts interspersed with wonderful, historically accurate recipes. It was also published by Martha Stewart’s ex-husband, which lends a Schadenfreudean sweetness to each and every sip you enjoy of every drink whose recipe you read here. All of the recipes are good, and so are the stories from the likes of Ernest Hemingway and Graham Greene. I am serious: all of the recipes. You literally cannot go wrong with this book.

Thirdly, we will suggest sticking to beverages in which juice, tea or carbonation feature prominently, as becoming “dehydrated” and napping in direct sunshine is very bad for the skin. Tea has almost mystical cooling properties, which is why they drink so much tea in the tropics.

Beverages served on the rocks, as previously discussed, are what’s called for here. Also acceptable are chilled beverages served in their individual containers: beer, wine coolers, hard lemonade, etc. For keeping them cool, we are not entirely opposed to “sleeves” of one kind or another, although we prefer the Chuggie to match the Thuggie rather than just advertise Billy Bob’s Fried Chicken Shack or whatever.

The Chuggie is not an option for formal occasions

The Chuggie is not an option for formal occasions

There is nothing the least bit Gatsbyesque about that, is there?

We will pointedly NOT be discussing blender drinks, for lo, we are over thirty, and our eardrums are delicate.

For more formal occasions where neither your Chuggie nor your Thuggie are welcome, we recommend a large, flawless pitcher, some tall glasses, and a great deal of ice. Thusly:

YES:

Marquis Martini Pitcher from Waterford“Flawless” is a good word. You can’t go wrong with an utterly plain, high-quality crystal pitcher as long as it has straight sides. “Bulbous” is not a look that works for this. It works for Sangria: it doesn’t work with anything more refined. This classic is indoor/outdoor and shows off any colourful beverage to great advantage. Remember, though, carbonated drinks don’t go in pitchers. It is, however, both permissible and practical to premix the non-carbonated ingredients in a pitcher and then pour an ounce of the mix into each glass and top with bubbly that you keep on ice. It lets you pretend to be a bartender without doing any heavy lifting, and is to be recommended if you’re serving a crowd.

Also yes:

Nambe serenity pitcher“Gorgeous” is also a good word. This isn’t a classic, and it sure isn’t cheap, but it is stunningly beautiful and unusual. The curves are restrained yet sexy, and I guarantee this isn’t something that you see in every pub and den around town. I am very much liking this new, creative style.

MAYBE:
Pitcher? Better have a catcher tooI have nothing against this very naked pitcher on principle, but just try getting a steady grip on the damn thing once it’s nicely coated with condensation. That’s why this handle-less number should be kept for drinks that are mixed without and then poured over ice. I’m thinking Manhattans, specifically, and I’m thinking I’ll get some argument on that one…
Quanttro Martini PitcherI really do like this Quanttro, and it’s on sale at a wicked price, but am on the fence because there’s just something about a pitcher that is wider at the top than the bottom which reminds me of this:

Beer Pitcherand that is just NOT the look you’re going for, unless you’re a 20-year-old waitress at a roadhouse. And if you are, you have my condolences. That said, I have one of these which I use for making Sun Tea, but let’s be honest here: it looks awfully trailer park.

NO:

Riedel Martini pitcher and tumblersWe’ve discussed why not these glasses, and as for why not this pitcher, again with the Bulbous. And again with the No Handle. If you’re stirring a drink with ice, you need a handle, it’s just that simple. And if you bought this set you would be buying Those Glasses, and you wouldn’t do that, would you?

do we even have to discuss this?Seriously, do we have to discuss this? The Martini is not The Jagerbomb. A little respect is called for. And since it says “Martini” right there on the side, it’d be practically illegal to mix something else in it. Actually, owning this should get you a stay at Gitmo.

Ceramic martini pitcherYou do not mix a cocktail in a container you cannot see through. I’m sorry, people, I don’t make up these rules, I just report them. You do not mix a cocktail in an opaque container and that’s just the way it is in this space-time continuum.

And somehow this has turned into a pitcher post, which I had not intended. Okay, recipes and “booze theory” post coming next, I promise.

Fruit of the loon

That's some posse, Jaime

That's some posse, Jamie

Oh Jamie. I don’t know how low your star has to fall for you to assume that presenting yourself as a fruit or vegetable has to be a step up, but it would appear that yours? Is somewhat below even that. Admit it: if you saw yourself in the produce section, you’d pass yourself up for being a sad, flaccid fruit.

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